Monsoon Love in Myanmar
The haven that’s served as our field for the past two months; however, has been anything but serene. It’s been my dang kitchen floor. My cramped, dimly lit kitchen has been our refuge. Save for a noisy water pump and flooding several times due to the rainy season, we’ve made this space our special place, our field.
I’m haunted by it now. By the images of times we’ve spent there. I see them so clearly, so very vividly. I don’t even have to close my eyes to relive our first kiss, particularly the moments leading up to it. I picture it in front of me as I stand in the doorway, staring at what’s just a kitchen again. Not the magical place it became. I see us cooking side-by-side, making messes and getting tipsy off wine.
I find it unbelievably healing to share this, and I’m realizing I’ve never actually been heartbroken before. I’ve been in love, and my heart has hurt. I’ve also hurt others. I’ve just never really been the brokenhearted. It’s good to live this. It’s needed. I can now more fully understand deep sorrow; the extreme realness that goes along with grieving. I can now relate better to those I’ve hurt.
From early on in our time together, I said I’d devote an entire chapter or two of some book or memoir I might end up writing to our love, and on the importance of falling in love no matter the circumstances. This post will serve as the beginning of that tale, of our monsoon love story.
We were sitting at a table outside a restaurant when I mentioned this. It was dusk. An old church steeple towered to my left, silhouetted against sunset rays bouncing off cloudy puffs. Earlier that day, typhoon-force winds and rain kept us cooped inside a well-known joint where we enjoyed Shan noodles and light conversation. That’s where I captured the first of many photos of this heart I fell for. To remember how embarrassing it was for such a beautiful soul to pose brings a big smile to my face.
I knew the day would come, this day, where I’d be left undeniably heartbroken and holding onto nothing but hoping we meet again in that field one day. The field we dreamed up and talked about. Some day. But, I did it anyway. I let myself fall. I know I was fallen for as well. What we’ve had has been special.
Whether it’s the wrong time or we’re not right for each other, I’ve learned you can’t fall in love with the potential of what could be, even when you can see it staring back at you through teary dark eyes rimmed with a tinge of blue. It’s like falling in love with impossibility.
As Myanmar’s monsoon season comes to an end, so does our time together. Not our love. Love remains and continues to pour down so heavily upon us. It seems you finally get who the person is next to you during your final hours. You finally see them for who they are, and what they’ve been trying to communicate all along. You no longer look for faults in each other. You no longer dwell on miscommunication. You no longer push or rush into things. You simply take the time to thank each other.
You let the tears create wet spots on the pillows.
You study the face in front of you. Every little detail you don’t want to forget.
You reminisce. You apologize. You hold each other. You laugh.
You allow the reality that it could very well be the last time to do any of this set in.
You owe it to yourself and each other to do this, although it truly, truly is one of the hardest, most painful experiences worth having.
And when love seemingly walks out of your life just as fast as it came storming in with the rains, you exchange those wrenching but necessary last looks, and you watch it go down the street until you can’t see it any longer. Just in case one day, someday, you don’t get to embrace each other again in that field out there, somewhere.
I'm crying a bit reading this. My heart goes out to you. Next time our paths meet I have good whiskey, hours of talk, and a hug for you. Xxo.ReplyDelete
Parker, you've been on my mind throughout this entire experience. Words you've spoken to me ring so true. Thank you for taking time to read and comment. I can't wait for our paths to meet again! Love and hugs to you as well!Delete